


Burden of Guilt

by Stella_STARgazer



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 08:25:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stella_STARgazer/pseuds/Stella_STARgazer
Summary: Set during 5x11. Joan has a bit of introspection after telling Vera about Jake.





	Burden of Guilt

It wasn’t supposed to go that way. It was  _ never  _ supposed to end like that. 

I knew the moment that little smirk crossed her lips that he hadn’t fulfilled my directive; that he never would. An instant, blinding flare of anger coursed through my veins as I saw the happiness in those wide, ocean eyes.

The ability to incite that look was supposed to belong only to me.

_ Dismantle her. Piece by piece. _

Fueled by my rage at his ineptitude and the smug look of indifference towards me on her face, I pounced and eviscerated any semblance of joy she thought she knew. My tongue unleashed a verbal poison aimed straight for her fragile butterfly heart. I knew the key to a perfect murder and I used it expertly, without a thought for the wreckage it would unlock, so blinded was I by that green-eyed monster. (Do not push me, I will  _ never _ name it.)

The twitch of her lip was predictable, as was the sheen of tears and defeat in her eyes. This crippling guilt inside me was not.

Her heartache was always to be the coup de grace, but she was never meant to know of my involvement.  _ He _ was supposed to be the dementor, the crusher of her most beatific dreams. Her fall from grace was merely a need to equalize our hand.

_ Quid pro quo. _

Her betrayal affected me more than I dared to share, more than I expected it to. It  _ hurt _ like the pain I never wanted to feel again; the one I’ve spent nearly twenty years trying to overcome. How ironic that the one who managed to pierce my cold, black heart would wield the very weapon that had turned it into stone.

I poke, I prod, I hurt because I know no other way. Do unto others as has been done unto you. I wanted her to hurt, as she hurt me. My hope was that our equal pain would bring us back together.

I thought I would find satisfaction in her heartbreak, but how mistaken I was. The look of crushing defeat in those gentle sea blue eyes nearly made me falter as I watched them disappear behind those steel doors.

I never wanted to bear witness to the full depth of her despair; that burden was to fall solely on dear Jakey. That spineless piece of shit will pay for forcing my hand in this manner. He thinks he can escape me, but he hasn’t a  _ fucking _ clue.

...There’s no doubt her hatred for me will last a lifetime now, and I cannot say that I blame her.


End file.
